Intro

Hello there, I am the Polyamory Daddio! I am here to help you walk through your non-monogamous journey and to navigate any issues you may encounter on the way.

First of all, what is polyamory? Well, first of all, the word is a bit of an oddball. Most words that have roots from older languages use the same language roots in the whole word. Polyamory has two root languages: Greek and Latin. Poly Greek for many, and Am Latin for Love. So yeah, language nerds might have involuntary convulsions over that one. Polyamory is a non-monogamous relationship style. The general emphasis is on relationships rather than on sex. The main feature is one of consent. All parties involved are informed of the other partners and activities and therefore can give "informed" consent. Since consent is an integral part of polyamory some refer to it as ethical non-monogamy.

Now you know the what, you might be wondering why would you choose polyamory? One of the most common reasons for people who choose this lifestyle is that one person (including themselves) cannot fulfill all of a person's needs. That is to say, you cannot be all things to a particular person. This has been very true for me. I am very eclectic when it comes to my needs. Another common reason is some people just have a lot of love to give, and it's too much for just one person.

A very common reason people enter into this lifestyle is thinking it can solve their existing relationship problems. Let me just say, that if you are having trouble in your monogamous relationships, it will be exponential if you add more partners to the mix. Polyamory is not a panacea to fix your broken/ailing marriage/relationship. There are things you can learn from good polyamorous practices that you can apply to any style of relationship that can help.

One of the big must-haves is open and clear communication. All parties have to be able to communicate their needs, their wants, and their difficulties. This takes a bit of learning for most people. It is all too common to not be direct when communicating with partners. This usually comes from fear of a particular response, however not being clear and communicating the actual need, want, or difficulty leads to confusion, and problems. It takes a bit to learn, but it is worth it in the long run.

One feature that I have found quite amazing is the extra support. When you're in a monogamous relationship. Your main supports generally speaking are usually the family of you and your partner. In a polyamorous relationship, this is increased, that is assuming your relationship style supports this - more on this later. Not only do you have family, you have metamours (or partner's partners). Sometimes they can help you in your struggles, or just give you that extra "rah! rah!" that can really make this lifestyle rewarding. In my early days, I had an amazing metamour who eventually became a paramour (a partner). They were very good at encouraging me and giving me insight into the ups and downs of the lifestyle.

As hinted at when I mentioned the support of your metamours, there are different ways of doing polyamory. I should mention before I briefly talk about these is that one mistake folks make with these is they try to do it by coercion rather than letting the dynamics of the people involved dictate what style to take. It's like putting the cart before the horse so to speak.

There are a few branches of relationship styles that I have encountered so far in my journey. Hierarchal, is usually when someone has at least one nesting partner i.e. someone they live with and/or are married. The main feature of this style is they will have a stratification of their partners. There is one group of partners that will be referred to as their primaries. Another will be secondaries, followed by tertiaries and so on. The other style is usually referred to as Solo Poly. Most people who identify as solo poly date independently of their partners, that is to say, each person dates whomever they like. There is also an emphasis on non-hierarchal attachments. I.E. No primary, or secondary partners, although often they will refer to one or more as an anchor partner. There are also open, and closed polycules. Open polycules are when people can pursue new relationships as they see fit. Closed polycules are similar to monogamous relationships in that they are fixed, and the people involved are expected not to add any more people to the existing relationships.

Some styles refer to the interaction between the various people involved.

Kitchen Table Polyamory This involves regular contact between metamours. It will often include group activities and discussions. There is a running joke about polyamory exists because gamers need more people to join their gaming sessions. Very true about tabletop rpgers!!

Parallel Polyamory Unlike Kitchen Table, this style involves no or little contact between metamours. Quite often this comes about either as a personal preference of one of the paramours or because of personal difficulties between metamours. As stated when I mentioned the extra support of metamours, that would not be an option in this style.

Garden Party Polyamory This style is a hybrid between the two. Regular contact between metamours is limited, however, group activities still happen from time to time.

I have encountered polycules that try to force Kitchen Table dynamics on people who are potential partners. Although understandable this should never be done. What style you adopt should be determined by the individual dynamics. For instance, if your partner doesn't get along with a new partner, you shouldn't force them to interact. Trust me this never ends well, and it is very non-consensual to force this on people. Usually, this leads to a more Garden Party dynamic, but also might be a hybrid. Where part of the polycule is Kitchen Table, and the other is parallel.

That is probably a lot to digest for now. I will be posting more shortly. One thing I would like to state is there is not one "right" way to do polyamory. Every relationship dynamic is different and the challenges and triumphs are unique to each other. Going forward I will post both informational posts like this and also posts that address challenges and successes in this lifestyle.

Until next time! Keep the love flowing, Your Polyamory Daddio!

Useful Link

I discovered this amazing glossary of polyamory terms on the Ready For Polyamory website.

And here is some terms that were discussed in this post that might be new to you:

Intro Glossary:

Metamour

The partner of a partner

Paramour

Your partner

Hierarchy

A stratified relationship with primary, secondary, and possibly tertiary partners.

Solo Polyamory

Independent polyamory. Individuals date separately from their partners and tend to stay away from hierarchy.

Kitchen Table Polyamory

A more enmeshed style where metamours are involved with each other more. Interactions including group activities are common.

Parallel Polyamory

Metamours have little to no contact with each other. Each relationship is independent of the other one.

Garden Party Polyamory

A mix of Kitchen Table and Parallel. Less day-to-day interactions between metamours, with the occasional group activity.